My 30th birthday has arrived. Just like that, three decades of my life have whooshed by. But while my friends who are turning 30 this year are having an existential crisis, I feel – rather smugly – pretty relaxed about it all. No meltdowns, no wailing about saying goodbye to my twenties. God, aren’t I irritating?
I don’t mean to be. I just feel like I already live like a 30-year-old, and have done since I was at least 27. But now I can actually tell people I doddle off to bed pretty sharpish at 10pm. No one will widen their eyes and exclaim: “But you’re only twenty-something!”
Now that I’ve entered my 30, flirty and thriving era (sans the thriving, because… in this economy?), I can fully embrace all the old lady things I already do. Leave a party before midnight, because I don’t care about FOMO anymore? Absolutely. Rattle on about vacuum cleaners? Count me in. The world in rapid decline is my oyster.
But I’m sure I can’t stave off the inevitable crisis forever. It’s going to hit, one way or another. While I have my wits about me, I’ve compiled 30 lessons I’ve learnt in the 30 years I’ve been alive, from the mundane, to the silly, to the poignant.
1. “Life’s too short to read bad books” is bulls***
This “advice” has always annoyed me, because how would I know a book is bad unless I read it? Our tastes also vary throughout the different seasons of our lives, so don’t be afraid to pick up a book you might like the sound of, even if others don’t.
2. Always be suspicious of eggs
I adore eggs, but they’ve done me dirty at least twice in my life. Now, if I have any inkling of doubt about an egg, I dutifully do the water test: fill a bowl with water, and carefully put the egg in to see if it floats or sinks. If it sinks, it’s good to eat, if it floats, throw it straight into the bin. They won’t get me a third time!
3. Use mayonnaise on the outside of your grilled sandwiches
This is one of the best cooking hacks I’ve ever learnt. Instead of buttering the outside of any sandwich you plan to grill, spread a layer of mayonnaise over it. Not only does this save you the agony of trying to spread butter that’s slightly too hard on soft bread, therefore risking holes and tears, but your sandwich will also cook much more evenly. You’re welcome.
4. The cooler the shoes look, the more you suffer
This is more of a lesson acknowledged rather than learnt, because I know I will continue to buy shoes that look ridiculously cool and then suffer for it. Perhaps a better lesson is to determine how good the shoes look versus how much pain they will cause you, and prepare accordingly. Compeed plasters at the ready.
5. Brits are easily embarrassed but have no shame
As a foreigner, I’ve had the great pleasure of observing British culture from outside the fish bowl. One of the most baffling things I’ve learnt is that most Britons are disproportionately embarrassed by minor things. God forbid you send food that’s not cooked right back because it would “cause a scene”. However, Brits have no problem acting the fool and vomiting all over the street after a heavy night of binge drinking. The math doesn’t add up.
6. Get over embarrassment
Jennifer Aniston’s Rachel turns 30 on ‘Friends’
I’ve had my fair share of embarrassing moments. My mind frequently brings up the time I tried out platform sandals for the first time and a guy smirked as I nearly stacked it in front of him in New Cross. Or the time I fell off a stationary bike at my very first spin class. How did I get over these moments of extreme cringe? Own them. As long as no one got hurt, you can get up, laugh it off, and get back on the bike. Everyone will be too busy being glad they weren’t you.
7. Always pee after sex
My fellow vagina owners, I cannot stress the importance of doing this if you have penetrative sex. It only takes a minute, and will drastically reduce the risk of getting a dreaded UTI. Don’t skip the post-sex pee!
8. Men love proving you wrong
Joey turns 30 on ‘Friends’
