‘My marriage has a 22-year age gap – here’s why Love Island’s Gemma and Davide’s doesn’t matter’

No sooner had the dust finally settled on the age gap hysteria in the Depp-Heard defamation trial reporting and reaction, that the cyclical controversy surrounding relationships between people of significantly different ages was reignited, this time by the new series of Love Island.

Twittersphere has been ablaze with viewers of the hit dating show sharing contempt over the age gaps between contestants. The most contentious talking point has been about the connection between Gemma Owen, 19, and Davide Sanclimenti, 27.

After the two contestants were seen “flirting” on the show, viewers slammed the connection as “creepy”, pointing to the eight-year gap as “uncomfortable”, “mad” and “embarrassing”. Viewers were left even more aghast when the couple kissed, threatening to complain to Ofcom and suggesting producers impose a minimum age gap requirement of 21 on contestants.

Having been in a happy, healthy relationship with a 22-year age gap for 20 years, watching the furore unfold about so-called “problematic” age gaps of late, reaffirms the unbridled puritanism, and judgemental and erroneous naivety about mixed-age love. The intransigent, “one-size-fits-all” interpretation that age gap relationships are inherently exploitative, simply doesn’t work, and for consenting adults, differences in age should not matter.

I was 24 when I met my husband, and, despite our generational difference in ages, we connected straight away. It has always been a partnership of equals, based on mutual appreciation and respect. 20 years, a marriage and two children later, we are as connected now as we were when we first met.

Our marriage goes against the flawed conjecture that age gap relationships reflect an imbalance of power, with the older partner often characterised as predatory, and the younger as vulnerable and open to coercion or abuse.

In relation to Love Island, much of the criticism is over Owen being just 19, with viewers urging for a 21-age requirement to be placed on participants to avoid situations that, as one observer said, “might be problematic on the outside”.

The age of consent for legal sexual activity in England is 16. It has been so since 1885, when the law was introduced to fight against child prostitution. Debates intermittently surface about lowering the age from 16, but no changes have been made. Legislation dictates that there is nothing unlawful in a 19-year-old dating a partner eight years their senior. Though for some Love Island viewers, it is the morality of one so young becoming romantically attached to someone significantly older that is questionable. As one Twitter user wrote: “Love Island should be 21+ imo (in my opinion), age gaps aren’t anyone’s business when everyone’s proper adults, the problem is a freshly 19-year-old kissing a 27-year-old on television.”

The problem with this view is that it peddles the same presumptuous and stigmatising mindset that symbolises the older partner as predacious and the younger partner as having been manipulated and taken advantage of, unable to make up their own mind until they are into their early twenties. This unwavering approach simply doesn’t work in this discussion. Everyone matures at different ages. UK law says you become a mature adult when you reach the age of 18, while some scientists insist, we don’t become fully “adult” until we are in our thirties.

Then there are the scientific studies that show men take longer to “act their age” than women do, due to the fact the female brain establishes connections and “prunes” itself faster than the male brain. If women typically grow up more quickly than men, then aren’t they in a stronger position to decide which relationships are suitable from a younger age?

The negative societal response to age gap relationships – as we have seen with the Owen and Sanclimenti Love Island uproar – is fundamentally attributed to the belief that the older person is reaping more rewards from the relationship than the younger partner.

However well-intentioned, this anti-age gap sentiment is touted by a misconstrued assumption that presents impressionable young women being manipulated by lecherous older men, which means that mixed-age love will continue to face stigma and discrimination.

But like all relationships, some mixed-age partnerships work, and some don’t. My 20-year-and-still-going-strong-relationship with a partner 22-years my senior, testifies the latter.

Xural.com