New shows like Dated & Related aren’t for hopeless romantics – they’re for humiliation junkies
Hot & Spicy Balls” – that’s the charming title of the first episode of the new Hulu dating series Hotties. Two couples, each on a blind date, are asked to cook (meat)balls in a cramped food truck parked in the baking California desert. While they’re at it, the couples ingest increasingly spicy foods so red-hot that one contestant actually vomits. “This isn’t just another dating show or a cooking competition,” boasts the host, as though she has some secret reason to believe I am sick of those things. “We Frankenstein-ed them together to create a brand-new beast.” Who says romance is dead?
Definitely not the creators of Cosmic Love. The premise of that new Amazon astrology show is that a talking “being” called “the Astro Chamber” – think Synergy, the purple AI from the Eighties kids cartoon Jem – uses birth charts to “go deeper” than sun signs to find partners for “each of the elements”. I have zero idea what that means, and yet I’m confident the road to eternal love will never require the words: “The Astro Chamber said that I have to send someone home.”
Dating shows are king in the race to make enough cheap, fast TV to fill a streamer’s catalogue. Contestants cost close to nothing and, as Hotties proves, even the most hellish place on Earth works as a set. Plus, the drama writes itself. But what should be a Golden Age of TV for veteran Bachelor fans (which is to say, me) is seeming more and more like a nightmare for everyone involved. If you think the apps are tough, just try finding love on television these days.
Because this new generation of dating shows feels like it was made for trolls and by trolls. No one can honestly purport to believe that their soulmate is lurking on the other side of the Scoville scale, just like no one can convince me that the upcoming Netflix series Dated & Related wasn’t invented by a guy working backwards from the fact that those words happen to rhyme. We’ll set men up with their cousins! Too bland. Their moms? Too far. Instead, pairs of siblings are set up on a string of awkward double-dates with other sets of siblings, a premise so half-hearted even the silky-voiced narrator from the trailer can’t believe it. “Why would anyone do this?” she asks. “Because finding love isn’t easy.” Of course it’s not going to be easy if you’re sitting next to your overprotective brother.
The best dating shows strike a deal with their contestants: mild embarrassment for a chance at fantasy love, the kind that comes with rose petals in the bath. Franchises such as The Bachelor and even its trashy summer cousin Love Island realise the insanity of their own premises, but never reduce the contestants to jokes simply for caring about wanting a partner in the first place. The likelihood of finding love among a group of hot strangers is low, but I saw Trista marry Ryan Sutter at a Rancho Mirage resort in 2003 along with 26 million other Americans, so I know it can work. It benefits society at large that there’s a special place where stupidly attractive egomaniacs like Davide and Ekin-Su can go to find love without hurting the rest of us.
But in the bogus name of originality, producers have lately cooked up some of the most deranged hurdles you can put between a human being and true love and called the set-up a meet-cute. Watching Jerry O’Connell dress up in sailor whites to announce his new CBS dating series The Real Love Boat – you guessed it, singletons are trapped on a cruise liner (no word on whether rejects will be forced to walk the plank) – felt like watching a spoof. These are not shows for hopeless romantics. They’re for humiliation junkies. The Hotties target audience is viewers who wish the cast of Jackass was better looking.
It bothers me that earnestness has been asked to leave the villa, while cynicism has been given the final rose. There are enough bad dates in real life. Still, because I can’t help myself, I’ll probably Google to see if Nick and Chardae, who absolutely cooked the better meatballs, ever make it down the aisle.
‘Dated & Related’ and ‘Cosmic Love’ are streaming now on Netflix and Prime Video, respectively
